What to Do with Our Disappointment: Mindfulness Practices for Uncertain Times
By Maureen Murphy, D.C.
The change in seasons offers us a beautiful opportunity to learn from the natural world. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, Autumn is a time of letting go. A time for gathering the final harvest and preparing for the stillness of Winter ahead. It is a time of reflection, sorting and sifting. Honoring the past but not carrying it forward. To do so, we don’t have to give up our desire to feel happy, joyful, and free, or to seek and enjoy the pleasures of life. However, the invitation of Autumn is to willingly investigate our disappointments, our daily grievances, big and small, those sticky emotions we associate with loss.
None of us escapes loss, or the various changes that bring it about, yet we resist it with all our might. But what are we really resisting? We resist experiencing the painful idea of our own separateness, this illusion of separation is at the core of so much of our planetary suffering.
There is an intriguing paradox at play between these two impulses; broadly speaking, avoiding the pain of separation, and seeking pleasure and security through connection. Let’s explore.
To start with, it's helpful to know that we are wired this way. In addition to the well-known neurological reflex to move away from painful stimuli, as humans, we are driven by two strong evolutionary imperatives; to connect, and to react to any loss of connection as a threat to our survival. In fact, our brains evolved to alarm us at ANY perceived loss. We view even the slightest loss of time, money, energy, status, connection, etc. as a survival threat, and our Sympathetic Nervous System activates the Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Faun reaction.
It’s easy to see the evolutionary advantage, when we really were at risk of being some other being’s dinner, because, like herd animals on the savannahs, we were vulnerable when alone and safer in a group. As we evolved, our tribe, religion, culture, etc., provided a group identity and a measure of safety. For example, we may depend on a cherished relationship for our sense of belonging, protection, love, nurturing, and well-being.
Today, there are real disadvantages to this unconscious reactivity, and advantages to examining it when it occurs. At the first hint of a change in a significant relationship, we might feel unconsciously driven to hold on to these longed-for experiences by attempting to control external conditions, the other person, even ourselves. We may employ myriad coping strategies, such as pleasing people, perfectionism, even procrastination in an attempt to stay connected, or manage our discomfort by numbing out, or rejecting them altogether. We end up perpetuating the illusion of separation, rather than bridging the gap, and needless suffering ensues.
According to Buddhist philosophy, recognizing our suffering brings the opportunity for freedom, a release from the suffering itself. But how do we do that without getting emotionally overwhelmed or lost in our pain?
The Buddha taught that yes, there is suffering, and there is also the cessation of suffering. That waking up to, or becoming aware of the causes of suffering would allow us to interrupt it, to mitigate it. This “waking up” practice, we call mindfulness or meditation, allows us to be fully present to the sensations and thoughts arising in the present moment, effectively turning towards, rather than away from the suffering we encounter. With practice, we can experience for ourselves the fleetingness of our emotions and any physical sensations we find painful.
When relationships change you may feel anxious, sad, lonely, angry and powerless. Changes such as disagreement, divorce, distance, or a death, for example, may trigger these strong emotions all at once, or over a long period of time. If you deny them, you risk deep disappointment, despair, depression, and hopelessness. However, experiencing your feelings opens you to connection, and heals a false sense of separation.
Mindfulness practice allows you to see more clearly (Vipassana) the part that your interpreting mind plays in your own suffering. Every experience can be made harder or easier by the thoughts you think about it. Since it is your interpretations and the meaning you give to events that give rise to the quality of your experience, when you change your perspective or interpretations, you can impact your suffering.
All things arise and pass away! The tides, the day and night, the cycles of the moon, the seasons. This is life! And not simply an intellectual idea but our lived experience. We are born, grow up and grow old, our fortunes rise and fall, we suffer accidents, become sick, lose abilities, lose loved ones, and we eventually ALL die. Nothing in life is certain! As Ruth King reminds us in her book, “Mindful of Race,” life is not personal, not perfect, and not permanent.
There are so many experiences of loss we don’t yet do a good job of acknowledging and integrating, and many variations across cultures that could help us do so. Artists in all media draw on feelings of loss and grief to inspire transformative insight from which we all benefit. Music, poetry and song, choreographies, paintings, sculptures, and photographs which have universal appeal, can touch the heart of our human experience and help us dissolve the illusion of our separateness so we feel more whole and connected.
If you are grappling with the effects of change, uncertainty, disappointment, or losses and are open to the possibility of a life transforming shift in perspective and habit, let’s connect! Find me and additional resources on my website, www.MayDayResilience.com. I explore these and other avenues in my private 1:1 coaching programs, day retreats, and small group online practice circles.