What to Do with Our Disappointments: Mindfulness Practices for Uncertain Times
By Maureen Murphy, D.C.
Experiencing disappointment has historically not been easy for me. Before I knew it my energy would plummet and I would spiral down feeling deflated, like all the air had been let out of my tires. Worst of all I would unplug from my Source of wisdom and guidance.
The practice of mindful awareness has helped me recognize this as a form of grief and to understand that I only grieve that which I value and love. Now I am able to recover quickly, giving some space to my experience. By turning towards what is here right now and remembering what I value, instead of what I perceive is missing, I reconnect with the energy of passion in my heart and restore a sense of peace and possibility.
The Autumn season offers us a beautiful opportunity to learn from the natural world. All of nature seems to be letting go. As we gather the final harvest and prepare for the stillness of Winter ahead, it is a perfect time for reflection. It's a time for sorting and sifting, for honoring the past yet only carrying forward the best seeds. We learn that this too shall pass and another cycle of seasons will follow. The invitation of Autumn is to willingly investigate our disappointments, our daily grievances, big and small, those sticky emotions we associate with loss.
None of us escapes loss, or the various changes that bring it about, yet we resist change with all our might. But what are we really resisting? In my experience, we resist the painful idea of our own separateness. I believe this misunderstanding of our true place in nature, this illusion of separation, is at the core of our planetary suffering.
Without giving ourselves the necessary time to process our daily losses, we risk using coping strategies such as judgment, criticism, attempts to control or deny the experience of others and ourselves. These serve only to strengthen the illusion of separation. Responding with mindfulness and compassion opens our hearts and connects us with the truth of our shared experience and true belonging.
It's helpful to know that we are wired this way. In addition to the well-known neurological reflex to move away from painful stimuli, as humans, we are driven by two strong evolutionary imperatives; to connect, and to react to any loss of connection as a threat to our survival. In fact, our brains evolved to alarm us at ANY perceived loss. We view even the slightest loss of time, money, energy, status, connection, etc. as a survival threat, and our Sympathetic Nervous System activates the Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Faun reaction.
It’s easy to see the evolutionary advantage, when we really were at risk of being some other being’s dinner, because, like herd animals on the savannahs, we were vulnerable when alone and safer in a group. As we evolved, our tribe, religion, culture, etc., provided a group identity and a measure of safety. For example, we may depend on a cherished relationship for our sense of belonging, protection, love, nurturing, and well-being.
Today, there are real disadvantages to this unconscious reactivity, and advantages to examining it when it occurs. At the first hint of a change in a significant relationship, we might feel unconsciously driven to hold on to these longed-for experiences by attempting to control external conditions, the other person, even ourselves. We may employ myriad coping strategies, such as pleasing people, perfectionism, even procrastination in an attempt to stay connected, or manage our discomfort by numbing out, or rejecting them altogether. We end up perpetuating the illusion of separation, rather than bridging the gap, and needless suffering ensues.
According to Buddhist philosophy, recognizing our suffering brings the opportunity for freedom, a release from the suffering itself. But how do we do that without getting emotionally overwhelmed or lost in our pain?
The Buddha taught that yes, there is suffering, and there is also the cessation of suffering. That waking up to, or becoming aware of the causes of suffering would allow us to interrupt it, to mitigate it. This “waking up” practice, we call mindfulness or meditation, allows us to be fully present to the sensations and thoughts arising in the present moment, effectively turning towards, rather than away from the suffering we encounter. With practice, we can experience for ourselves the fleetingness of our emotions and any physical sensations we find painful.
When relationships change you may feel anxious, sad, lonely, angry and powerless. Changes such as disagreement, divorce, distance, or a death, for example, may trigger these strong emotions all at once, or over a long period of time. If you deny them, you risk deep disappointment, despair, depression, and hopelessness. However, experiencing your feelings opens you to connection, and heals a false sense of separation.
Mindfulness practice allows you to see more clearly (Vipassana) the part that your interpreting mind plays in your own suffering. Every experience can be made harder or easier by the thoughts you think about it. Since it is your interpretations and the meaning you give to events that give rise to the quality of your experience, when you change your perspective or interpretations, you can impact your suffering.
All things arise and pass away! The tides, the day and night, the cycles of the moon, the seasons. This is life! And not simply an intellectual idea but our lived experience. We are born, grow up and grow old, our fortunes rise and fall, we suffer accidents, become sick, lose abilities, lose loved ones, and we eventually ALL die. Nothing in life is certain! As Ruth King reminds us in her book, “Mindful of Race,” life is not personal, not perfect, and not permanent.
There are so many experiences of loss we don’t yet do a good job of acknowledging and integrating, and many variations across cultures that could help us do so. Artists in all media draw on feelings of loss and grief to inspire transformative insight from which we all benefit. Music, poetry and song, choreographies, paintings, sculptures, and photographs which have universal appeal, can touch the heart of our human experience and help us dissolve the illusion of our separateness so we feel more whole and connected.
If you are grappling with the effects of change, uncertainty, disappointment, or losses and are open to the possibility of a life transforming shift in perspective and habit, let’s connect! Find me and additional resources on my website, www.MayDayResilience.com. I explore these and other avenues in my private 1:1 coaching programs, day retreats, and small group online practice circles.